QUIET

I just need quiet time today. I don't want anyone asking me "what's wrong?" I don't want anyone telling me that "it's all going to be ok." I don't want anyone telling me that I " just need to keep on hoping" or that I "need to keep my Faith."

I just need to be alone. My mouth is tired of talking. My heart is constantly heavy. My smile is not a real smile anymore. The routine of the day to day has finally worn me down into nothing but a fine pulp that's floating in the wind. No one can catch me. I sift right through.

It's all up to me. I decide what the rest of my life is going to be. The judging eyes and ears of my acquaintances are a constant worry. Failure has never been my best side. The loneliness I feel is like walking out on a 500 ft. plank without a lifesaver. Everyone waits to see what I'm going to do.

Enjoying myself is something I haven't done in a while. Having a smile on doesn't mean that I'm happy inside.

My children are what I worry about. They see it, they hear it...and they always follow my lead pretending that everything's ok. The huge elephant in the living room that we all keep dodging instead of dealing with.

Love is so funny. What's happens though, when you can't even force yourself to look forward to seeing someone? It's not anything you wanted to happen. You didn't "choose" to fall out of love. You just fell.

Two totally different people. Two or more broken hearts. Continue...or keep wasting your time by not letting go?

Stressin'

I'll be married for 13 years in March. I've probably spent two of those years separated from my Husband. Things have always been rocky, but I keep trying to make my Husband realize that we could be so much happier if he wasn't so tightly wound.

We have pretty much lost all our friends because he really doesn't like my friends. He's got a couple of friends that invite him to do things, but he won't go because he knows that he controls me and my friendships so he'd rather stay home and make my life hell. Plus, I would honestly throw it in his face that I can't do anything with my friends. We do have some awesome church friends, but honestly I have to keep everyone at a distance because I'm not allowed to get too close to anyone. He doesn't like hanging out with people much because he's not much of a conversationalist. We've gotten several invites from our church friends, and I've always wanted to hang out, but I just don't get my hopes up anymore. We've even set a few things up with our Pastors and he's decided to cancel every time. (But it's always me doing the cancelling)

I'm a very open and loving/living life kinda person. I love going out with the kids, going out with my friends, talking, laughing, being silly and geeky...but I'm always limiting all that because I always feel like I end up getting scolded and treated badly for being that way.

So, I've now only a couple of occasions that I can hang out with my friends. Usually that being my Birthday and Funerals. That is my life. I've had a lunch with my ex-coworker and I ended up being ignored and treated like I had done something horrible.

So, I keep telling myself just keep living in the lines and I'll be ok. But, I've been through this before. I just can't do it. Is that a bad thing? I've tried putting my foot down several times and it just ends up making it hard for me and the kids to deal with. The first week after I put my foot down, it's wonderful. We live a little more freely. I don't get ignored, or talked down to. The next week all hell breaks loose again.

I've already done some research because I really felt all alone in this. And, it popped up under Mental Abuse.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Mental-Abuse---The-7-Most-Important-Things-To-Know&id=60849

This is my life. And, if you're here to judge please don't. I'm finally getting to a place in my life where I'm ready to do something about it. I don't need any negativity...I have enough of that in my life already. Thanks.

Happy Marriage

Ok, so I'm going to be coming up to 13 years of marriage in March of 2009. Which, really I'm not sure if it really counts as 13 since my Hubby and I have been separated probably about a year and a half in those entire 13 years. We've always had a rocky marriage.

But, we were talking the other day and wondering..how do we know that we were "meant" to be together? I mean, I can tell you honestly that we got pregnant first, and not even a month and a half later, we were hitched. Not quite the romantic on one knee kinda proposal either. More like Daddy's got a shotgun in the trunk kinda thing. LOL.

So, back to the "meaning" of the marriage. Obviously it wasn't a picture perfect union. So, now we're back to square one wondering how we got so far along in this marriage in order to start wondering about whether we're meant to be together or not. Can you follow? I mean, we get along. I know I love him. The kids are happy. Only thing is, there really isn't much my Hubby and I have in common. When you're young and stupid it seems everybody is interested in the same kinda things. What else is there but partying, scoping out the opposite sex and hanging out with your friends?

Now that we're older, we're starting to draw blanks. Conversations lack because we really have nothing to talk about. So, I start falling asleep on our car rides home and I'm in bed every night by no later than 10:30. We don't date much, but when we do we usually get into deep conversations about our past and how much we Don't have in common.

Don't get me wrong though. We have awesome "family" outings. So, whenever it involves the kids, it's great! We have a blast. But, when the kids aren't with us, we are just blah. It almost makes me wonder what kind of relationship we're going to have when the kids are...older...and....out of..the...hoouusse. Yikes. I just don't know.

I was having a conversation with my friend about it earlier. She shot out that 70% of marriages today are couples exactly like ours. Not knowing whether or not they were "meant" to be together. Most of them are just living their lives and going through the motions. I don't want to just go through the motions anymore. Maybe there's something out there that we could do to improve our relationship. I don't want to hit the 15yr mark feeling like I'm beating a dead horse...you know?